The birth of my son in 2019 created a marital rupture that cracked open the seed to my new relational journey. After five years of the "honeymoon phase" (this alone should have been an indicator that something was off) with my former wife my life become more destabilized by the week. We suffered through endless confrontation in the early months of parenthood. It turned out that we had much different expectations and realities as Mom & Dad. It was my first introduction to experiencing serious change within someone I loved.
My former wife went from what felt like a Twin Flame to a very focused, protective, overly-concerned Mother. I became confused, sad, angry, and disheartened. I had imagined a lifestyle of shared duties and responsibilities, both of us getting to spend ample time with our baby, and fostering a marriage partnership that provided safety and prosperity for our family and future.
What I got instead was a woman who was triggered into daily acute stress response (fight or flight), using every tool in her toolbox to try to control me, our son, and our life. After many years of learning, I now see that she was just trying to find safety and doing it in the only way she knew how. This is an ugly consequence of trauma.
When you learn about nervous system regulation you find out that partners are actually quite good at co-regulating each other which helps to calm and move the other person out of their fight or flight response. Unfortunately, when dysregulation becomes more the norm than exception co-regulation does not work as readily. My nervous system followed suit and we did the dance of mirroring acute stress response with each other for months.
Our Farm quickly became my near sole duty and I emotionally crumbled filled with grief. I could tell that we had become two different people in our new family. Fear and anxiety wreaked havoc on both of us individually and relationally. She in her struggle with postpartum. I in the loss of the way it used to be. Both truths were valid.
In serious pain and ill-equipped with the communication and relationship skills to work through our struggles our marriage became a place of conflict, insecurity, and wound wars. It was not good. I wanted a healthier environment to raise our son.
I sought to learn and understand relationships better due to my dismal current experience. I found Mark Groves, John Kim, and Terri Cole and began binging podcasts during my many hours working in the field. For them I am grateful. They spoke words that made sense about relationship struggles, personal struggles, and learning how to live an authentic relational life.
It was through John Kim (The Angry Therapist) that I found JRNI COACHING and signed up to become a Life & Relationship Coach in December 2020 seeking to learn about the depths of myself in relationships.
We filed for divorce while I was in coach training when my son was 18 months old. I spent endless time, energy, and money to ensure I received 50/50 custody. It was the best and the worst time of my life. Divorce was going to create a stable home life for him and me, for the first time ever. However, I had to endure the pressure that a one year old boy "needed" his Mother more than 50% of the time. That is when I became a Daddy lion who would do whatever it takes to seek fairness and protection for my kin.
My experience has been TRANSFORMATIONAL since (go check out all the stuff I share on my socials to see). I'd like to tell you that it turned out okay in all regards, but life involving my former wife is still not stable. She's mad. She's hurt. She's not ready to work through our shit to best serve our son. Life at Dad's House though is filled with safety and security, laughs and tickles, connection and unconditional love. My son is thriving when he's with me and that's all I can control.
Personally, I have been in and out of coaching and therapy for over three years. I'm on my own healing journey. My obsession to relationally understand, learn, and grow is my life's passion. I find it very rewarding to help clients get through their own difficult situations: equipping them with relationship tools, building self-awareness, and growing confidence that helps create success.
If you're still reading, I want you to know that all people can benefit from Coaching. You know if it's your time when you hear the voice inside that says, "I need this." When you're ready, give yourself full permission and sign up for a Session!
Much Love, Damien